I want to move to California where you can sue the pants off any doctor and take them for all their worth (and their house in the Hamptons).

Did I mention I'm in a bad mood.  No coupon fairy could help me now---only the whispy touches of Greta's baby bird hairs, some pizza, and possibly some doritos.  Oh, Beans' ear just rubbed up against my leg, so that is helping a little too.

Dear Kroger Coupon Gods:

Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, no thanks to Enterprise Rent a Car, I was reminded of God's grace.....
Walking through the baby aisle of the Maplecrest Kroger on the Northwest side of Fort Wayne, I noticed tiny pieces of paper sticking out of random shelves.  I slowly realized they were coupons, strategically placed by the item (to use the coupon with).  After collecting more than 12, I realized THEY WERE GOOD COUPONS.  Not just the .$25 off an item, but $1.00 off an item that is usually marked $1.29, etc.  Yep, I hit a gold mine.  Diapers, wipes, a sippy cup, Organic fruit puree squeezers, Johnson and Johnson face wipes----yep, that and a bottle of margarita mix and some cookies---my total:  $19.23.  So thank you, Coupon Gods.  I understand your Grace is offered to those in times of need and depair.  I thank you for recognizing my distress on this SHIT of a day we call Tuesday.  I thank you for easing my anxiety about calling Enterprise for the seventh time, only to be regarded as an ornery customer, who is ignorant to Enterprise polices.  Praise Be to the Coupon Gods.  I will continue to worship you, calling upon your magical powers and continuing to defend your strength even to those non-believers.

(I also know Coupon Gods exist because I watched the season premier of Extreme Couponing last night.)

Sincerely,
The Monforton Norton

It should also be noted, I will be taking down Enterprise Rent A Car from this moment on.  I do not care how long it takes, I will reach their CEO, demand an apology, and hopefully get free rental car service for the rest of my life (and not just get the shitty Chevy Aveo each time).

This just in from the west-sy-eeed:  I found my dream house.  It is on the far west side of Bloomington, just on the border of Ellettsville.  I happened to come across this house while I was on one of my "Greta is sleeping, and I'm not about to wake her up" drive.  Nestled in a new addition, this house boasts over 5000 square feet of awesomeness, 4 bedrooms, huge walk out basement, and....drum roll.....1.5 acres.  Oh yea.  NO hillbillies in these here parts.  It had great wall colors, carpet colors, granite countertops, beautiful maple cabinetry, built-ins, and LOTS of windows.  The house faces west, so it has great light all day long.  OH, and it has a mudroom.  Oh yea.  And lots of  closet space.  Now, I just need to find 485 g's to pay for it.    Like, I said, this house is amazing. 

Tristan and Isolde:  Worst movie ever (next to King Ralph).

Asiatic lilies:  Gorgeous when they bloom, which is never long enough.

Showering:  Refreshing, but annoying.  I hate my hair.  Where is my glam team when I need one?

Sports bras:  Amazing.  Normal bras are so last year.

Minivans:  AMAZE.  I want one now.  Thanks to 90-year-old Mr. Jacobsen and his lack of driving skills.  I'm cruising in my Minivan whip for the whole week while #19 gets fixed.  Holler.

Cashiers at Kroger:  BITCHES.  Apparently they hate their guests using coupons, because I guess they think that price reduction comes out of THEIR pocket.  Fat asses, bad hair.

Ice cream sandwiches:  A staple of the summer.

97 degree heat:  NOT OK.  Especially in May.

A  napping GFP:  Nice.  It gives her baby spikes a chance to regain their strength and volume to take on the rest of the day's activities.

Bad blogger here. This about sums up my week: A old man, specifically, 90 years old, hit the car. No one was hurt, thank God. It was super annoying. Couponing is going well, but I am experiencing some cashier-backlash. Haters. We had a 90 degree day here yesterday. Two words: fat, thighs. Not good. However, Greta is sleeping better and our lawn looks great. Happy Monday.

After a weekend in Chicago, helping Jennie with her garden beds and eating Polish food, I'm finally home.  A few observations:

Gas is WAY too expensive in Illinois.
Coupons are NOT doubled in Illinois.
Polish food is accessible in every town in Illinois.
Bed, Bath, and Beyond in Illinois sells items found in drugstores (shampoo, vitamins, etc.).
Hinsdale, Illinois is gorgeous.
Indianapolis or Bloomington needs an IKEA.
I-65, north of Indianpolis, is a dumb-ass-driver-extravaganza.
I don't miss teaching.
I'm over taupe walls.  Next stop:  Grays and blues.
While I love my Subaru, the Acadia had way more room.
Mother's Day is like a second birthday.
Catching up with SJC Alums is super awesome, especially when it involves juicy gossip.
People are SO RUDE when they DON'T rsvp to parties they are invited to.
Beans is not a good traveler.
$10,000 dollars is NOT worth someone's life.
I need to win the lottery so I can go on a two week vacation.
Being away from GFP is not fun.

AND once again, another State in our Demaocratic Union has missed the mark.  POOR North Carolina-----yet another dumbass state, with their dumbass government, forgetting, ONCE AGAIN, that NOT everyone believes in Jesus Christ, OR the preachings (and I mean preachings, NOT teachings) of the Biblie.  I SWEAR TO GOD, IF JESUS, THE HOLY SPIRIT, AND ST. PETER HIMSELF WERE WALKING AROUND THE PLANET NOW, THEY WOULD GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT PEOPLE'S SEXUALITY.  NO ONE CARES.  If you want to hump turtles, go right ahead.  Want to dress like a robot?  Go right ahead.  Want to marry someone of the same sex.....BRAKE TIME.  Yep, of all things to put on the ballot, this is what got the most attention.  FORGET about the HUGE DEBT crisis our country is facing, FORGET about the HUGE amount of student loans that (in my opinion) is the brick backpack that my generation carries----give me a damn break.  This is truly embarrassing.  I kinda get why those Al-Quaida weirdos hate us.  I bet they are a gang of cross-dressing, unicorn lovers that really are pissed at our marriage laws.  Yep, that has got to be it.  I feel for all the young people in this country that are terrified enough to come out, and NOW, they won't ever be able to marry the love of their life because some Bible thumper is too embarrassed to divulge their "pound me in the ass every Friday night" secret, dressed in their favorite mail carrier outfit.  Sad.  Very sad.

On a brighter note, my garden beds are ready for the yearly launching of the "Norton Ohana Garden."  We've been successful in the past with basil, tomatoes, cucumbers, and peppers.  This year, I think I'm sticking to basil and tomatoes----Dave won't eat cucumbers and I couldn't give them away last year.  What a waste.  SO, I'm going to teach myself how to can, in the hopes of saving some cash on spaghetti sauce this fall and winter.

I'm not embarrassed to say I've been to the recycling dumpster three times this week to find coupons.  Yes, I'm obsessed.  If only someone could physically show me how to put a "haul" together.  Kady Becker, help.

Greta is 11 months old.  Where has this year gone?  Oh that is right--waiting for my pelvic floor to heal.

To all of the "souped up" '92 Grand Am drivers in Bloomington:

I'm not honking at you because I think you're hot, or I like your fake spinner rims, it is because you have one flat tire and two more that look incredibly low.  Do us all a favor, and pump some air into them, so you don't have a blowout, causing a major carwreck on 37 or the Bypass.  Please and thank you, douchebag.

Carrie the Monforton Norton

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding:  Discuss.

I'm not quite sure how I can wrap my head around a bunch of 15 year old gals, who are dressed to work the street corner of 30th and Post (Indy style), looking for a mate, while simultaneously taking care of 7 brothers and sisters with mom and dad (no where to be found).  Hmmmmm.

I tried to use some coupons today at Target and I received a "eat shit" look from the cashier, named Kristina.  Not okay. 

It is suppose to be 86 degrees and humid tomorrow.
Not okay.

It isn't even Thursday.....