Food for Thought

1. Tornadoes....everywhere. Watched Anderson Cooper last night and saw some crazy video footage of the tornado destruction in OK and MO. Sad stuff.
2. Slow drivers. I seriously could write about this for days....
3. The waiting game.....I'm 38 weeks today and seriously wondering when this baby will hatch.
4. I met a German Shepherd puppy named Rueger yesterday. Wonky ears, soft tail, and wonderful puppy kisses. Delicious.
5. Jean shorts and tank tops in 50 degree weather. Bad clothing choice AND no style. Deadly combo.
6. Race weekend: I. Could. Care. Less.
7. Neighbor stalking. I'm turning into Tom Hanks in the film The 'Burbs. Seriously.....I'm stalking my neighbors like crazy---I actually saw a guy remove some plywood, and crawl under the house behind us---he was under the house for 10 minutes. I asked him what he was doing (from across the yard), and he said he worked there.....Oh, I forgot to mention, he was stumbling drunk. Priceless.
8. White lava rocks. I hit up Lowes last night for some potting soil.....I saw SEVERAL people purchasing white lava rocks to enhance their landscaping. Basically, that is like wearing fleece over a YSL gown. Gross. I should make gardening voodoo dolls.

Happy Saturday!

The Old Britney

Since I am a stay at home dog-mom now, I have been indulging in some tacky tasks......I went on to youtube.com to check out some videos that had been recommended to me. But then I remembered wanting to see some old Britney Spears stuff because now she is bat-shit crazy. I tuned into her old MTV Diary episode from 10 years ago......oh how I wish the old Britney would return. Not crazy. No drugs. No ex-husbands. Just saying.

And we wait.....

I've been experiencing computer/internet difficulties, unable to blog. Yes, it sucks. However, there are a few updates:
1. Many tornadoes in the greater Bloomington area. Thankfully, we didn't see any of them. Our house, birdfeeders, and bird nests are all still in tact. (And there is no water in the basement!)
2. I'm still alive, which means the Rapture was a bogus ploy to get people to do crazy shit. Once again, the scary church across the street has become scarier.
3. The garage door is about to be completely fixed----we haven't been able to open it properly for the last year. I'm considering this effort Dave's first Father's Day present. He can thank me with a David Yurman bracelet later.
4. I'm officially full term. Baby Norton is sitting in the proper rocket launching position so all I do now is wait...My back is a bit sore and my hands/feet are very swollen, but other than that, things are good. I'm not nesting like a crazy woman, so we'll see.....
5. Baby Norton received her first seersucker dress this week from a colleague at work. If this is the beginning of her dressing a like a dapper Grosse Pointe lady, I'm all in. (Quick, find me a cardigan, some flats, and some pearls.)
6. The parental units celebrated their 37 year anniversary yesterday. I call this, "Non Divorce Day" in the Mofo house. Whoo hoo!
7. I'm officially done with school! (I saved the best for last!) NO more long commutes, dumb teacher talk, office politics, or sassy children (that don't belong to me). Words cannot express my excitement. There will be a LONG overdue post about my adventures in the IPS after my contract fully expires in August. Please send the bottle of Dom or Cristal to my address. Thanks.

In celebration of this grand week, I give you the perfect celebration video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3S7mlRYL-8

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

The garage is clean. Now, it may not look like HGTV took it over, but it is pretty nice compared to what we saw earlier......

Armageddon

I have blogged about the end of humanity before, and because today is supposedly the Rapture, I thought writing another entry would be fitting. So, today is the end of the world? Fancy, because I don't feel any different. I would have expected really bad weather (not happening), no food in the fridge (just had a nice breakfast), nothing on television ( a Glee and One Tree Hill marathon), and most importantly, strange animals walking the streets (not so much). SO, I guess it ain't happenin'. A few more things---I cleaned up my vegetable/flower garden beds in the hopes that it would give Baby Norton a reminder that it may be time for eviction......she's not here. BUT, my garden beds look great.



My friend Jamie called me this morning just to check on Baby Norton's progress (oh, for the record, I'm 37 weeks. At this point, if she were to be hatched, she would be healthy. No squirrel status here.) I informed her that my womb was still occupied and I felt fine. We then started to chat about bringing young kids to restaurants/outings and that it may entail. She reminded me of an incident with her oldest, Cole, on a visit to Pottery Barn. Cole basically had a Defcon 8 meltdown and Jamie was convinced someone was going to call CPS. I suppose I need to start mentally/emotionally preparing for such events. HOWEVER, I am hoping this baby is like Dave--cool, calm, and always collected. If she is anything like me, I'll be a Xanax-alcoholic by age 34. (I.E. Stepford Wife)



On a happy note, snaps/highfives/gold medals to two families:
1. Congrats Heinz Family! Cathy and Brock, mother and daddy to two baby boys are going to welcome another baby in December. This is a blessing, considering the challenges that may come with trying to have a baby. So happy!
2. Congrats Greer Family! Megan and Jonathan welcomed Griffin West Greer to the world a few weeks ago. Megan is doing great and it should be known that young Griffin was 10.5 pounds. Yes, she deserves a gold medal (as does her lady business).

And another thing---because the weather on this fine day is so nice, Dave has decided to tackle cleaning the garage. Here is the before:
I will surely post and "after" picture.

Happy Saturday!

I need a Mule

I helped my friend Jamie divide some hostas and daylilies today and it felt great! I did have to ask her neighbor to pull my pants up during the event, only because my hands were covered in dirt---I guess it was a random request. Either way, it was great to get back into the gardening spirit----Dave was able to take the hostas I removed from Jamie's yard and transplanted them into our shade garden......I pointed, and he dug. HOWEVER, I want a mule to do some SERIOUS work in our garden.....weed pulling, mulching, transplanting.....I wonder where I can find a dumb and beefy guy that is plant smart who will work for $1.50 an hour and possibly some lemonade........



Our neighbor, Nana, has gorgeous peony beds---she cut me some gorgeous stems.....a great way to begin a nice weekend......



Oh, a fun side note: My cousin, Hazel Monforton, was recently accepted to Oxford University in England! We (Mofo's) are so proud of her! Most smartest!

The Nursery

FINALLY the nursery has been put together. There are a few things that are currently missing: carpet and glider. However, the glider has been ordered and I will find a piece of carpet before Sunday. I must be honest---the nursery coming together had NOTHING to do with me. After my baby shower in Bloomington on Saturday, Jennie and my friend Mande came over to take matters into their own hands, literally. They moved furniture, directed Dave and Beans, organized clothes, decorated, etc. I swear, the two of them need to go into business together doing this professionally. I think after a period of several weeks, I was unable to manage thinking I could tackle the nursery---it is overwhelming. I am incredibly thankful for Jennie and Mande for doing everything. It is so nice knowing it is all done---now, we just wait for Baby Norton to be hatched and all will be good. Biscuit won't step foot in the nursery---not sure what is going on, but we need to have a talk with her. She has been very snuggly lately, so maybe she is onto me.

Jennie's soon to be mother-in-law, "Busia," created a Diaper Daddy Caddy for Dave---it has all the essentials: squiggee, tongs, face mask, rubber gloves, nose pins, duct tape, chip clips, and disposable bags. She is incredibly thoughtful and we love her!

A few side notes:
1. I forced Dave to watch Glee with me last night. I love Glee. Dave loves European Soccer. I think by him sitting there for one whole hour sans complaints means her really loves me. AND, I was looking super HAWT in my sweatpants. True love.
2. The producers of One Tree Hill seriously need to step up their creativity. The season finale last night was TERRIBLE. I have been a devoted fan for several years now and last night's shenanigans was ridiculous. I almost turned on Bad Girls Club---it was really that bad.
3. I am still awaiting previews for the next season of Bachelor Pad---I hope it comes just days after Baby Norton is hatched. Then I'll know her birth is mixed in their with destiny.
4. I made a killer meatloaf last night. It was super simple:

1 lbs. ground pork
1 lbs. lean ground beef
2 pieces of white bread, broken up into small pieces
some onion powder
salt
pepper
some dried parsley
1/4 tsp. vanilla (yes, vanilla)
Cook until done at 375---
I paired it with roasted potatoes and carrots. Dave was a happy husband. I think I am taking another step forward towards domestic goddess status. (Yes, seriously, I would love to be Martha Stewart/mother of the year one day.)

5. My friend Mande signed up for a triathlon training class. Jealousy has overcome me---I can't wait to get "back on the bike," literally. I was sweating folding laundry the other day---I felt like I was being cast in a MTV True Life episode of Fat and Lazy, but then again, I'm carrying an extra 40 pounds of human. I mentioned in a previous post that I am anticipating doing another half marathon in October to raise money for cancer charities---I am hoping I am still able to do this.
6. Finally, I have been really diving into my addiction of puppy porn on the internet. I often find myself on petfinder or the daily puppy. I don't advise these sites for anyone that is weak of heart. You might just be driving yourself to the local animal shelter when your work day ends. Here are the sites if you are still interested:

www.petfinder.com
www.dailypuppy.com

Don't tell me I didn't warn you.....

Happy Wednesday and Go Tampa Bay Lightning....(my team now that the Wings were sadly eliminated from Stanley Cup contention. If you are confused, google their management/coaching staff. Steve Yzerman, decorated Red Wing veteran, is on board.)

Please Shoot me from This Direction

Um, just saw a VERY unflattering picture of me from a baby shower.......why the hell didn't anyone tell me my "blonde highlights" aren't that blonde?! AND, the fact that I look like a ginormous whale......oh shit. Not. A. Good. Day.

Kroger at 4:45 p.m. = The Entire Country of Pakistan

I once again ventured to Kroger after school in the hopes of doing some normal grocery shopping. WRONG-O! First, I'd like to add that this is quite possibly THE BEST people watching EVER. You can imagine....let me set the scene for you......
West side of Bloomington.......pre-dinner time.......lots of scooters in the store.......tube socks with aqua socks and jean shorts........children around the age of 3 drinking Mountain Dew from their sippy cups.......exposed pannus folding over sweatpants.....shall I go on? One can imagine......

I had a SJC Puma sighting today---Mrs. Jill Mourey Simonis: volleyball extraordinaire. (Just thought I'd throw that in there.)

I went to the doctor for my 36 check-up and I'd like to start taking bets on when this baby will be hatched. I'm gunning for May 30th. If I'm right, I win (this may include a bag of doritos, some roomy sweatpants, and a high five).

I am still relishing in the wonderment of how awesome Baby Norton's room looks, thanks to Mande and Jennie's hard work on Saturday night. Carlie Torbeck was there to offer moral support, which was just as important.

Jennie mentioned the new season of RHWONJ on blog---I'd like to say I'm still working on finishing this season of One Tree Hill, no matter how bad it has gotten. I want Chad Michael Michaels back (frosted tips, necklaces, and thumb ring in all).

Long Paws......

So, blogger.com was down for a few days and I've been busy trying to "baby proof" our house. Needless to say, the computer was moved, I'm without a dresser, and my feet are fat. GOOD TIMES. SO, this week has been filled with ups and downs. Like my friend Katie's blog, I'm going to do a "Roses and Thorns" section this time....(much like my Highlight and Lowlights).

Roses:
1. Today was my third baby shower, thrown by Jennie and my friend Mande. It was awesome! I was able to see several of my teaching friends that I haven't seen in a while. It was great catching up and hearing about the happenings in their lives. My friend Jamie brought her little unicorn princess, Sophie, with her. She is so stinking cute! And by the grace of God, Sophie is doing GREAT after several months of medical issues.
2. There is only 10 more days left of school. Whew! I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. I won't miss it.
3. I went to the doctor on Monday and got some pre-game stats on Baby Norton. It goes a little something like this: She weighs 6lbs 12 oz.; she has hair; she is head down; I have more amniotic fluid than the average person, therefore, she is enjoying her hot tub in her baby apartment. I go back again this coming Monday. Maybe I'll have something more interesting to share.
4. Kathryn Shannon Whorf will be graduating from George Washington Medical School tomorrow afternoon. The Monforton Norton Clan could not be prouder of Katie. She is like a sister to me and I can't wait to hear about her new adventures as a medical doctor.

Thorns:
1. My Pepe (grandfather) sadly lost his brother (my great uncle) Frank this week to cancer. It is heart wrenching hearing any family member grieve----no likey.
2. It was quite warm this week.....not sure how I am liking the warm up, because if it anything like the summer we had last year, NO THANK YOU. I hate heat. Several of my plants don't like it and Biscuit doesn't like it.
3. I got a flat tire in the ghetto. Just my luck.
4. To further #3, I locked my keys in my car this week......while my car was still running. Pure Genius.
5. My feet are swelling like crazy. Yuck. NOT HOT.
6. Finally, I saved the worst for last. The Red Wings lost Game 7 of their playoff series. Not Good. Next year. I'm a fan forever.

I need to do a better job posting pictures this coming week. I promise, I'll try.


2. T

Momma's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the great Mommas out there......I love my four-legged girls like they were my own children, so I guess that makes me a momma. Next year, I'll be able to celebrate my first Mother's Day with a human child. Interesting.

The crib will be assembled today, the dogs are getting bathed as we speak, the Canucks lost last night, and Verlander pitched a no-hitter for Los Tigres last night.......it is turning out to be a great morning.

For the all the mothers who read my blog----enjoy this special day by letting your partners and children spoil you with love (and donuts) and possibly some nice perennials.

Mario Testino better watch out!

Today was one of the few Saturdays we have left before Baby Norton gets here----we spent it getting photographed by Emily Feagley, photographer extraordinaire. We traveled north to Indy to the Arts Garden in Broad Ripple and Holcomb Gardens at Butler University. She did a great job and I can't wait for the final result in two weeks. To see other pictures she's shot with other clients, check out her website:
www.efeagleyphotography.com

Needless to say, I'm SO glad I got a pedicure yesterday---there were some feet shots. (Scary.)

To wrap up our day, Dave and I and enjoyed lunch at Khoury's Restaurant, an old stomping ground for me. I waited tables there right after college-----great falafel, killer fatoosh, and amazing pastichio. I highly recommend it.

And finally, I should mention our amazing Friday night with our Bloomington friends.....Dave had a Cook Medical softball game (they lost), followed by a great barbeque with the gang at Mande and Darian's house. They have a great deck and an even better dog, Wrigs. She has very soft ears and her tails wags a lot. All in all, a great night.

She had Hammertime on her Feet

Want to make yourself feel better when your feet look like sausages-blown-up-surgical-gloves? Go get a pedicure in Bloomington, because most likely the lady sitting next you will have WAY MORE jacked up feet than you.......Thankfully, that was the case today. I walked in there a wee bit embarrassed, thinking "my guy" was going to give me the stink eye after glancing at my paws. NOT SO MUCH. He was very sympathetic ( a little hungover ) and nice. The lady next to me, oh yea, she had some serious hammertime happening on her feet. GROSS. Her excuse? "I walk around barefoot a lot." Um, I don't think so girlfriend......it is like her feet started smoking meth. It was like a Hobbit settlement on her dawgs.

Doobiesmackjointhit

So my blog is affectionately titled so in honor of one my favorite movies, Slackers. I had the chance to watch some of it the other day-----I recommend renting it and strapping yourself in for a good laugh. On that note, my drive home was interrupted by a fellow driver on 37 rolling a doobiesmackjointhit while navigating his Jeep Wrangler. Sadly, he was wearing a Brett Favre Vikings jersey. If it hadn't been for the jersey, he would have received a thumbs up from me.......When my contract expires at the end of July, I'll be more than happy to dive further into this topic. Until then, go turn on some Dr. Dre and enjoy the sunshine.

Kroger at 3:30 p.m. = Abbotabad, Pakistan

Once again, I tried to brave the grocery store in the early afternoon THINKING it wasn't going to be a complete freak show. Well, I was wrong......again. How many of my followers have been at the grocery store and there appears to be a person following you that talks on their cell phone double loud??!!? So everyone can frigging hear them?!?!!? AND, they reek of cigarette smoke/Britney Spears perfume/dirty clothes?!?! I swear to Jesus, this ONLY happens to me. Good Gracious God. AND, the bagger turns out to be a pervy high schoolers with HORRIBLE breath, a dirty shirt, and an even worse haircut......again, this might be my karma for driving like a crazy on my way to work. Afterall, I did see New Kids and Backstreet Boys appear TOGETHER on Dancing with the Stars, so Armageddon could be approaching.......

JCPenney = bin Laden Compound

I am too pissed to NOT blog about my experience at JCPenney today. Ok, so I drove fricking 3o minutes to Butthole, Indiana a.k.a. Bedford, Indiana to pick up our baby crib and mattress. Some nice lady named Kim called me earlier today to tell me "both pieces were ready for pickup." So, I slapped on my best sweatpants and flip flops and headed on down to Butthole. I arrived, and the nice Kim lady greeted me at customer service. Well, that is when my troubles began: First, only one piece arrived; the mattress. Secondly, the crib order was cancelled because it was out of stock. Thirdly, no one bothered to call/text/email me that the mattress order was cancelled because in 2011 at JCPenney, they send a piece of shit postcard letting you know that your order was cancelled. BULLSHIT. So, of course, I kindly replied to Kim, "That is bullshit. I want my crib." She was very nice, but assured me that was not going to happen. So, I made the other nice lady behind the counter carry the mattress out to my whip and load it into the car. I informed them that their service sucked and I would no longer be a patron of JCPenney.

In conclusion, don't buy ANYTHING from JCPenney (JCCRAPPY) ever again. Total bullshit system. AND, Target's cribs are the same price. That is all.

(The picture at the top of this blog reflects my emotions right now. I don't have a crib and Baby Norton could be here in two weeks. I feel defeated by JCCrappy. This picture was taken of Biscuit a few days after she ran into a car (was hit by a car). And no, that is not a make-shift lemonade stand.)

Lock it Up

I entitled today's blog "Lock It Up," as a dedication to my friend Melissa Jones. Today is her birthday. She has an amazing spirit and is sure to include everyone in conversation, a dance circle, and a round of shots. Melissa, Happy Birthday!

I decided to take today off, considering I couldn't fit any shoes on my feet today. Yes, once again, my feet look like blown up surgical gloves. While I am totally taking this pregnancy in stride, sometimes I look down at my "paws" and laugh. Seriously---they look like sausages. Dave always laughs. I compare my feet to Beanie and Biscuit's paws and I think they all look too similar. If this is the only "side effect" of a human in my baby apartment, so be it. I've been able to prop my feet up for a fair amount of the morning, interrupted by a round of dishes, and finishing my shower thank you notes (while listening to the Indigo Girls)----not a bad morning. I am picking up our crib this afternoon. Dave can deal with the assembly on his own time. I will sure document that occasion with pictures.

A request to my blog followers---please pray for Amy and Erin. Sadly, they each experienced tragedy this week with the passing of their babies.......Pray for their strength and courage this week. I'm not much of a pray-er, but times like these call for all the stops.

I will provide for you
And I'll stand by your side
You'll need a good companion for
This part of the ride
Leave behind your sorrows
Let this day be the last
Tomorrow there'll be sunshine
And all this darkness past

-Bruce Springsteen, Land of Hope and Dreams

Another Case of the Mondays

So I woke up this morning to crazy news that Osama bin Asshole was finally killed. Talk about a real asshat. This guy was living in a suburb of a major Pakistani city, KNOWING there were US troops occupying the area. Talk about growing some ovaries. Furthermore, this guy used a woman as a human shield when the hot ass Delta 6 Navy SEALs team came in to take his life---"Yes sir, I am a huge pussy, which is why I'm using wife #78 to shield me." I am thankful no civilians were hurt, and more thankful OBL won't be blowing up anymore shit. And no, I don't think this was a politically motivated move by Obama's camp. Give me a break. Even my husband, the staunch conservative agrees with me. This momentous news event did spark some pretty nice jams on the radio today; tons of Neil Diamond and Bruce Springsteen. Now back to something pleasant.........

Dave and I after the wedding

Will and Melissa

(Cookie Husbands)

(Cookie Wives)

On a brighter note, I joyfully attended the social event of the year-----MAGGIE AND CIARAN'S WEDDING! It was a beautiful day in Chicago! Maggie looked STUNNING in her gown, and Ciaran was as handsome as ever. They truly both look like Kate and William. They were both happy all day long-----it was amazing. His family came in from Ireland, which was so nice. We had a wonderful meal and enjoyed dancing late into the night (I, the pregnant lady, enjoyed people-watching from my seat at Table #9). I took a ton of pictures on my sister's camera---hopefully I can get them in the next few weeks to post. Again, Maggie and Ciaran make a very handsome couple. She was absolutely GAR-geous.

While we were in Chicago, we also ventured to Oak Park---a very nice suburb where a famous Frank Lloyd Wright house is----we took a nice walk around the surrounding neighborhood and decided we need to move there---huge lots, old trees, historic homes----yep, a Mofo needs to move in.


We also went to the dog park twice with Jennie, Chris, and Kasia. Kasia was a very nice girl and proudly introduced us to her new bestie, Spencer. Unfortunately, there were some rowdy boxers there, reconfirming my lack of love for this breed and their clueless owners.

Kasia trying to get Dave to play with her on our "walk"

Thankfully, Dave and I get to recover from all of our weekend traveling this week---we have NO plans. Yes! We played hooky from our birthing class tonight. I figure if it is super importante' information, I can call Kady Becker or Jamie Rahmany. They'll always tell it to me straight-----which is what girlfriends are for........graphic pregnancy/delivery details, juicy gossip, and someone to eat junk food with.

Our stroller arrived last week. We needed to test it out, you know, to make sure it is safe. Here is our experiment: