Three Weeks ago....

I was not doing this three weeks ago.........
Note: The dogs are involved in the rearing of Ms. Greta.
Also note: Beans is as far away from the baby as possible.

RIP Clarence Clemons

A snapshot of Greta enjoying some swinging time with her puppy friend, Cleondra. Cleondra also moonlights as a band member in an "environmental sounds only" band. Cleondra was named after Clarence Clemons, a saxonphonist for Bruce Springsteen who recently made his trip to meet Jesus. If you haven't heard of him, go put "Hungry Heart" on the ole' juke box.

Greta does NOT have a case of the Mondays....

Her favorite sleeping position.....

This picture shows Greta showing off her fancy booties....they keep her sleds warm. Yes, she has big feet....she gets that from Dave.

Tight Shorts

Here is Greta's picture of the day---Her daddy holding her while her baby bird spikes (rear mullet hairs) tickle his cheek. LOVE IT. Warning: Baby bird spikes emit a powerful hormone that makes the baby-holder feel EXTREMELY relaxed, often resulting in immediate napping/bedwetting.

Today I ventured out of the house to get my "piece of shit Blackberry" fixed for the zillionth time, only to have to wait over an hour to get the job done. While waiting forever at the Verizon store, I learned that the latter generation of folks in Bloomington are embracing technological advances---trading in their "flip phone" for a phone with a texting pad----I love the dialogue that takes place between sales person and the consumer.....


"Which one is the best one for my hearing?"


"I just want to make phone calls."


"Will my house phone still work?"


Priceless.





Also, I was able to get to Buy Buy Baby to pick up some bottles for Greta's juice weezing activities in the night and witness a MAJOR fashion felony. A dude sporting cargo shorts, with a belt, and a tucked in shirt----while this seems harmless, I saw his entire JUNK RACK because they were so goddamn tight---he had VPL (visible panty line), they were so tight. And worse, his wife was looking at him with these hot-ass eyes, like all the women in the land were after her fella. GROSS. I should mention, her American flag teeshirt was tucked into her cotton-knit shorts. I saw her VPL as well.....do I need to mention both these folks could spare to lose 300 pounds? Gross. Made me want to floss my teeth and hit the ol' treadmill. Regardless, I got my breast pump parts and hit the road.





And finally, Celebrity Rehab 5 started last night. Nothing like washed up G list actors/singers/reality stars who are hyped up on the sauce, trying to get their shit together to make a person like me feel normal. Thank you, Dr. Drew.

Time Warp Continuum

This picture highlights her "baby bird spikes." I found a nest in our butterfly bush the day before she was hatched. I am convinced this is the nest she came from, due to the amazing spike-mullet action she rocks on a regular basis. And yes, she does get bed head.

This is Dave enjoying all of "his girls." Please note the look on Beans' face---I found her 5th "I'm going to runaway note" this morning.




Greta's Nona and Pepe---my dad was super nervous to hold her---not sure why. He is a ol' pro, having dealt/raised 4 unruly children with serious potty mouths.

Greta and her Pepe. Priceless. (Yes, he is wearing a Clarkston Lacrosse teeshirt. Greta is waiting for hers in the mail.)

Greta and her "Nana." Nana is our neighbor who we love dearly---the dogs know her as Nana, and she adores her newest love.

Dave getting her out of the car for the first time---I had to capture this moment as a proud momma. Beans and Biscuit had no idea what was coming.........

I have been stuck in an awesome time-suck for the last two weeks---no one tells you that when you bring your offspring home, you lose all sense of time (and wardrobe)----the only way I really know a day has passed is by looking out the window---"Oh, it is nighttime, tomorrow is a new day. I hope she sleeps tonight." Seriously, this is my conversation with myself each night. I am glad to take night shifts so Dave can sleep. She doesn't breastfeed for very long (no thanks to a hooter reduction years back to really F things up for me), so we supplement with formula. Dave enjoys any time he gets with her, so I gladly pass feedings on to him. We've been blessed help from his mom this weekend---she weeded my front garden bed, transplanted some perennials for me, and held the baby enough so I could "pull it together." Again, there are TONS of things no one tells you about bringing home baby and that dumb shit show on TLC doesn't help either. I could get more into this, but I want to keep this blog fun, so I won't. However, I must mention this: Dear Readers, if you are considering borging, yes BORGING, a baby out of your lady business, be advised that "things" will NOT go back to spectacular in just a few short weeks. TIME is your friend, sort of. The thought of riding a bike, kayaking, sitting for long lengths of time, wearing a mini skirt/bathing suit/thong, and doing the sexy times are totally out of the question. GOOD GOD. That is all I'm going to say. Seriously, if I had known, I would have voluntarily signed up for a C Section. Seriously----if you don't know, now you know. (I think Dr. Dre has mentioned that a few times on some of his albums, and now I know what he is talking about.)

I uploaded a few images from the last two weeks----I need to do a better job of taking pictures each day to record her daily awesomeness.

Margaret Elizabeth "Greta" Norton

WELL, it has been way too long. I am happy to report Margaret Elizabeth Norton was happily hatched on Wednesday, June 8th at 11:43 a.m. She weighed in at 7 lbs 3 oz and 19 inches long. I labored for 26 (and didn't feel a thing....epidurals RULE), and after a traumatic entrance into the world, we had our Greta. She spent 8 days in the NICU at Community North under very close observation and treatment to deal with head trauma that she suffered during delivery. While I won't go into this much, it was terrifying, horrific, and awful to witness. Thankfully through the grace of God and many happy thoughts, we finally have her home. She is actually enjoying her Lamb-swingy-thing as I type. She is feeding well with the help of supplemental formula when she decides weazing my juice isn't good enough. She came home at 7 lbs, so we are hoping to pork her up by the 4th of July. She is very mellow baby. I am assuming this is Dave's trait that was passed on to her, considering I'm usually a hot mess of impatient emotions mixed with episodes of psychosis from too much SoapNet.

Dave and I were flooded with supportive emails, texts, voicemails, cards, and phone calls during our stay at the hospital. Without such positive support and love, we surely would have cracked. Granted, we had our moments. We are now focused on Greta growing and developing like a normal little person (or a Baby Bird as I like to call her). She definitely has shown us what strength and courage is---it is amazing what a 7 lbs human will do.

She will be meeting her Pepe (my dad) for the first time on Friday. She is super excited to hear the first few pieces of life advice ("Not feeling well? Drink a Gatorade and take some ibuprofen."-Doug Monforton) as well as commentary on Division I lacrosse.

Again, this experience has been mind-blowing. I will try hard to not devote my blog to all things baby, as I am able to also enjoy other things in life too. However for today, my blog will focus on my new daughter, Greta.

P.S. When a woman delivers a baby--no matter which way----all modesty goes right out the ol' window. I think about 45 people saw my lady business and/or my boobages. HAWT. SO, for all you single ladies out there---when you find your man or partner and you want to have babies in the future, start preparing yourself for them to see ALL of your parts. I'm talkin' ALL YOUR PARTS.

Until then......

Don't You Know That The Time Has Arrived

(My favorite line from all the New Kids on the Block songs...not really, but I thought it was relevant to today's post.)

So, Dave and I went to our final check up with Dr. Lane. Nothing really changed, as I expected. My dream sequence fantasy from yesterday did NOT come true. SO, she "stripped my membranes" (Frigging gross, right?) and told me to see what happens from now (9 am) until tomorrow (Tuesday at 8 am). Well, nothing new. SO, I am taking this peace and quiet and lack of pain in stride......I got a manicure, sent some taggie blankets in the mail, passed out some flyers on behalf of a missing IU student (I'll get to that in a bit), water my plants, baked some cupcakes, and made dinner. NO, I'm not nesting. I am desperately trying to soak up my quiet time. Oh, the pups were dropped off at summer camp. Unbeknownst to them, they will be big sissies when they come home on Thursday or Friday. Beans will be a great big sissy. Biscuit, well, we'll see. She is lacking nurturing qualities, but I know she will be very protective of Baby Norton. So, I still have a few more hours of energy left, so I'm going to get some dusting done, some laundry, and vacuuming. After all, if the Oprah Show decides to pay us a visit after hatching the Christ Child, our house will look a bit presentable.

Ok, back to the IU student....
So on Friday night/Saturday morning, this girl Lauren was walking home from Kilroys to her apartment on College and 11th. She was last seen, with no shoes, at 4:30 am. She was allegedly by herself, though there is speculation that she was with some people initially, then they were separated. She is 20 years old and weights next to nothing. She is cute, blond, blue eyes---definite "townie" candy. This poor girl---So, she has been missing since Saturday morning. Her parents and family are here. I was walking in to my pedicure place and this lady hands me a missing person flyer---after chatting for a few minutes, I decided I had enough time to help pass out some flyers on the west side of town where I live. Thankfully, people gladly accepted the papers and willingly put up the signage. It was one hour of my day, but God knows her family is seriously freaking out right now. My heart is breaking for them. So readers, send out positive thoughts to her and her family that she is found....safe.....in Bloomington.....You can read more about it here:
http://www.indystar.com/article/20110606/LOCAL/110606005/Volunteers-continue-search-missing-IU-student?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|IndyStar.com

(As a soon to be mother of a daughter, I can't help but feel for this family.)

Back to the baby hatching time:
We arrive at the hospital at 8 am tomorrow so I can be rigged up to the magic potion (Petocin) machine. I will gladly accept an epidural before 10 am, as I understand contractions on the potion are NOT NICE. SO, with that being said, I am trying to stay calm and collected as I have never been through this before. If someone were to throw a knee/foot surgery my way, I'd gladly accept the challenge. Not this so much----

Please send positive vibes and well wishes my way as Margaret Elizabeth will be here sometime in the next 48 hours.

A day closer....

So, tomorrow is our last appointment. I'm officially 39 weeks. Our internet has been super wonky, which is why I've been a major flake case with the blogging. Here is how I want my last appt to go:
Check in with Dr. Lane and find out that I'm 100% effaced and 4 cm dilated. THEN, she'll check me in tomorrow, break my water, hook me up with a rockin' epidural and Baby Norton will be hatched by 4 pm. Do I really think this'll happen? Um, no. But, I can have a dream sequence once in a while.....

My nesting efforts involve taggie blankets. Beans approves and Dave has been inspecting them as a quality control manager.

More updates to come.....

Oh, some highlights/lowlights of the weekend:

1. Air conditioning. It was HOT as balls here this weekend.
2. I Love You, Man has been on all weekend. I love this movie because I love the band Rush. If you don't know about Rush, you best recognize.
3. The Tigers won both their games against the White Sox. Suck it, Southside.
4. I found another nest of baby bunnies. While they will grow up to destroy my plants, they are super cute and make baby chick noises.
5. I woke up this morning to Animal Planet showing Puppies 101---I highly recommend this program. It is magical and delicious because it involves a full hour of puppy porn viewing.

Lowlights:
1. My dad's lacrosse team, Clarkston High School (in Clarkston, Michigan), lost their regional final to Brother Rice. I hate Rice. They are a team of douchebags who hump donkies and are dickheads. That is all.
2. It was hot as balls. Again, I hate the heat. I will NEVER live in Florida.
3. My last weekend of no-baby freedom. I seriously should have gotten naked wasted on margaritas and acted irresponsibly.
4. The Bruins lost again last night....in overtime....I hate Vancouver.
5. I missed seeing my brother Joey in Michigan....I'm on travel restrictions, so driving 375 miles is out of the question....I always enjoy Ohana time in the Mitten.
6. Pink and Carey Hart hatched their baby this weekend......they named her Sage....give me a fucking break.....that kid is asking to be picked on......what is up with these crazy ass names?!?!

Until tomorrow........
Go Bruins!

All Things HOT

I had to immediately come home to blog about my experience at Target today. Ok, so I stroll into Target to purchase some much needed equipment for the baby-borging experience (according to some of my Mommy friends). I stop at the Starbucks counter for a much needed non-caffeinated beverage and begin my quest.

My first stop: The Non Sexy Underpants Department. Yes, I was on a mission to find "Granny Panties." I hate this term for several reasons---I never EVER use the word panty...gross. I prefer underpants or unmentionables. Secondly, our grandmothers wear underpants and I've seen them. NOT HOT. Therefore, the two together is about as fun to imagine as two fat people having sexy times. GROSS. So, I rolled up to the Hanes section and found some very soft, stretchy, somewhat girly underpants. They looked comfty and big enough for my HUGE ASS to fit into them.

Next stop: The maxi pad aisle. OH goody! I haven't been to this aisle since MIDDLE SCHOOL. Holy Christ. SO MANY FLAVORS! I immediately called my friend Kady who texted me last night and HAD to tell me to buy pads for my hospital bag----She told me to get 3 flavors: CIRCUS size, LARGE, and Regular. Oh yea, hot action over here. So, I picked the biggest ones they had---oh God. I can't believe I'm going to be there in a few short days---no likey having things leak out of my lady parts, while sporting "box top" underwear (box-tops are underwear that look more like squares than something that would cover your ass).

And finally, on my way back out to the parking lot, I walked by a car that had a dirndl hanging in the back. Only in Bloomington. Of course this vehicle was a piece of shit with a million Save the Planet stickers on it---maybe this particular person is getting ready to do some polka dancing at the Rathskellar this weekend. (Sounds super fun. I love their beer). Again, a dirndl. Classy.

All in all, today was an interesting day. Maxi pads and hot underwear. I think its kinda ironic, considering those two items DO NOT help a couple get prego. In fact, that is REVERSE baby making items---At least I have a nice bikini wax to remind me that my mister found me remotely attractive at one time (before the HUGE ass, weird food cravings, stretchy pants, fat boobs, and sweet maternity fashions). Poor Dave.

Jim (and Dave and Joan) the Tool Man Taylor

As mentioned in a previous post, Dave's parents, Jim and Joan, came down last weekend to help us get some much needed improvements finished on the house. Here are some pictures of the weekend:

This is the cabana-oasis-party at the Rehab spot we made for the dogs.

New fascia and gutters on the west side of the house.

Beans doing her part to help (lending a soft ear to rub when needed).

D Day is Upon Us

So, I've been told several gems of advice before the "borging" of Baby Norton.....
In no particular order:

Sexy times
pedicure
bikini wax
movie with the mister
fancy dinner with the mister in a non-kid-friendly establishment
a fun trip to Target
stocking of el' refridgerator
make the house as clean as humanly possible
highlights/haircut
more sexy times
quiet time......lots of quiet time......

While I have checked several of these off the list, there are some I'd rather not partake in at this juncture in time.....more importantly, something is going to race out of my special place, therefore, I needn't try to create an obstacle for only a few short minutes in an attempt to dislodge the baby. No comprende? No sexy times. Period.

Eviction Notice Served

So, Baby Norton was served her eviction notice today----I will be induced on Tuesday, June 7th. Whoo hoo! (That is, if she doesn't arrive before then.)

My next task: A bikini wax to thank my OB/GYN for her efforts. I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

A Longer Paws...

So our internet has been down for a few days and I'm without my work computer (forever), so thank you for your patience. A few updates:

1. Baby Norton has NOT hatched. I'm 38.5 weeks today and about to leave for my doctor's appointment. I'm hoping for a few things: I've advanced from last time (I was only at 1). I'm hoping for a 3. OR, she'll feel bad for me with my aching back and say "Ok, let's get the show on the road and inject me with some magnificent potion (Pitocin) to speed things up." I'm doubting that will be the scenario, but a girl can wish.
2. No, I don't have my bag packed. I'm sure Jamie Rahmany and Mande Miskewycz are rolling their eyes now. BUT, her room is ready and Dave is on high alert.
3. I'm officially unemployed. I filed for unemployment yesterday and it honestly feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It is not even close to my paycheck with school, but it is something and I'm not complaining. I know this will buy me at least 6 months to figure out what I want to do next. I'm surely NOT going back to education as a teacher---ideas are always welcome.
4. To dovetail on #3, I watched Waiting for Superman the other day with Dave. Good Grief. I could go on and on about my opinions about our current education system in the US and this video DID NOT curtail my opinions. Geoffrey Canada is a freak and so is Michelle Rhee. Snaps for trying though.....I will be posting something about this subject later. I'm hoping all of my educator friends will comment or possibly guest blog.
5. Went to Wal-mart on Memorial Day. Holy Shit---awesome people watching. Apparently it was "Come As You Are Day." I saw a whole hot mess of fashions---bathing suits, pajamas, missing teeth, licey hair....oh yea. Good times.
6. Jim and Joan Norton get the "Awesome-est In-Laws in the World" Award again. They came down this past weekend and did a whole mess of things around the house---refinished a dresser, fixed the fascia/gutter on the west side of the house, replanted my window boxes, and provided lots of love and laughter to our fur-babies. Oh how I loves me some Nortons.
7. The Stanley Cup finals started last night. I could only bring myself to watch about 15 minutes. My dear Red Wings are not in the mix, so I am left with no choice but to cheer for the Bruins, definitely an oldey and a goody. Vancouver is a mixmosh of thugs and asses. Luongo can defend a mean goal, but again, my high fives are for the Bruins.
8. I have been catching up with My So Called Life on the Sundance Channel. "I love the way he leans...." Probably the best way to summarize Jordan Catalano's hotness in one breath......I'm hoping my baby sister can guest blog about why MSCL is so awesome.
9. And finally, I saw Paris Hilton's new show, The World According to Paris. Give me a damn break. No brains, bad extensions, horrible manners, baby talk, a mildly hot/gay boyfriend, a stupid assistant.....seriously?!? I will tune in one more time to give it another chance, but most likely, I won't give my support. Aubrey O'Day on the Oxygen channel was way better. She looks like a hot mess/transvestite. What's not to watch?!?!

I will try to keep up better with the blog. The Comcast guy is coming out on Saturday to hopefully make the computer functional. Until then.....keep your fingers crossed that this baby isn't 11 pounds and 30 inches long. I want a small squirrel baby to bring home to her fur-sisters.....not an alien. Oh, and I want my lady parts IN TACT afterwards.