Fun Friday, Part II

Dave and I headed to el Mitten-o for the weekend. Grandma Mofo is having some heart challenges and Greta wants to be there to support her Great Grandma (sans Manhattan cocktails). This will be Greta's first showing of Michigan's splendidness. For example, Olga's, the Tigers, the Red Wings, the Moose Preserve, Sanders fudge, Stroh's beer, and Better Made potato chips. You betta recognize. Unfortunately, her future suitor, Jack Becker, will be in Indiana enjoying time on Lake George with his dad's new jet ski.

Fun Friday

Beans and Greta helped me finish up the housework today. They were clearly exhausted after their chores.

Educator Extraordinaire

I saw Bad Teacher tonight. I was the only one laughing in the theatre. Granted, there were only 7 people in the theatre. HOWEVER, it was hilarious. It received horrible reviews, but again, Jason Siegel is awesome. JT sucked, of course. To top things off, Cameron Diaz was rockin' amazing Mahnolos the whole movie. Amazing. I don't miss teaching. At all. Never again.

Domestic Goddess

I actually showered, slapped on some chap stick, and brushed my hair. I put on a nice sundress, cardigan, and my fake pearls...necklace and earrings of course. With all that being said, I thought I would have a productive day....NOT SO MUCH. I feel like I live in the 'B' version of Hoarders because there are communities of dog hair that are occupying my floor. Not so nice. No lie, I once dreamed of being June Cleaver---not so much. I suppose my 21st century domestic goddess idol would now be Caroline Manzo of the RHONJ. No lie---she is a tough broad with a clean house, fairly good grammar, and none of her children have 1) attended rehab, 2) currently serving time for armed robbery. All in all, she is successful. Here's to you Caroline Manzo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjLPoo4LyUg

Kaboom

I thought I had problems....
Greta and I were rolling through Martinsville, Indiana on my way to get my lady business checked. We were stopped at a traffic light, when a Mustang rolled up. (Nothing special. I'm not a Ford fan.) I glanced over and noticed the driver smoking a cigarette AND wearing an oxygen cannula underneath her nose. AWESOME. Hello!??! Don't people know oxygen is flammable. Oh hell yea. I love Southern Indiana. Therefore, I dedicate today's blog to all of the fuck-o morons out there that smoke while on oxygen, smoke while pregnant, drive drunk, cheat on their partners, wear tapered/pleated pants, have bad highlights, have a muffin top, shovel horse manure, and finally, use the words "acrost," "behindt," and "I'd seen." May God have mercy their souls.

Uncle Baseball

We had a great visit with Ben, Dave's younger brother. He is super beefy and a Greta loves him. An added bonus: He made waffles this morning and cleaned up the kitchen. Careful ladies, he's single.

Greta's Blog

Well, it is finally here! Greta's blog:

http://gretasasparklyunicorn.blogspot.com/

Become a follower, and get a life-long membership to the cool club!

Friday Snapshots

This is how Greta spent her Friday. She, like her mother, is a prisoner of the stifling Midwest heat. To remedy her boredom, she enjoyed One Tree Hill, ESPN, and Paula Deen.

New Thorax

There she is (with a new, reusable thorax)! With Dave's help and Mary Rose's advice (as well as information from three different blogs) we tried out a FuzziBunz diaper for the time. I'm convinced the leg openings might be too tight and Greta wants the disposable thorax back. Regardless, we are sticking to this. I received two more diapers from a friend yesterday, so my total is now 4. I've started looking on craigslist for used reusable diapers---they are quite an investment, so I want to make sure I can do this. I refuse to spend $20 a week on compost fillers. ANY AND ALL ADVICE IS GRACIOUSLY WELCOME.
(Note: Greta's puppy-music-light up friend, Ms. Cleondra on her changing pad---she was a gift from her Auntie Jennie while visiting the NICU. Greta loves her and tells her all her secrets.)

Some more snapshots from this past week:

My friend Jamie---she drove down from Franklin twice for lunch and some baby lovin'. It was great. Clearly, Greta enjoys her boobies.

Our ohana, minus a fur-baby. (Actually, Biscuit's rear end is just to the left of Dave....she was feeling camera shy.)

Hot in Heeere Part II

Apparently Nelly was so important their needed to be a Behind the Music about him. Last I heard, he filed for bankruptcy. Interesting. Oh, and another thing, it is so hot outside. My plants want to die and Biscuit won't even pursue squirrels.

Outlaws

Please ignore the large bulbous mass protruding from the back of Greta's head.....it was way worse in person.

I am super lucky to have such amazing in-laws. Joan spent the last two days here helping out with Greta---I was able to venture north to Indy to run some errands. I'm sure someone will call CPS on me because I was without my daughter for 6 hours. Give me a break. It was great to get out and visit my friend Jamie (and her broke down foot), and go into a store without the anxiety that comes along with towing a new-borg.

My mother in law, Joan, kicks so much ass. I decided to make a list why she rocks:
1. She can fix wood furniture. Something needs refinishing? Call Joan.
2. She bakes amazing cookies. She never claims to be Giada, but she can make a mean butterscotch cookie.
3. She can't sit down......while this may seem strange, she cannot sit still. This is a bonus for me, because she capitalizes on this condition by taking Beans on multiple walks when they are together.
4. She doesn't mind taking the late night formula shift----I was able to get some sleep this morning.
5. She cleans. I came home yesterday to a freshly vacuumed television room, clean dishes, a clean kitchen floor, and a happy baby. Perfect.

It's getting hot in heeeere

Could it be any hotter? When it is this hot out, Biscuit doesn't even want to go outside......

Hermione F. Mouse Update

I am sad to report that not only has Hermione F. Mouse gone to Jesus, but one of her offsprings as well. I decided to give this baby mouse the name Feevel (like Fievel Mouskewicz from An American Tail). I found baby Feevel in the basement. It was a sad sight, but again, Hermione was a skanky ho, and I automatically equate all mice to her. Although I did not know of any naughty activity baby mouse participated in, I can assume he/she was in on Hermione's antics in the kitchen. She was a bitch and she needed to go.

Secondly, I am going to take a step off the deep end tomorrow.....Greta will wear a reusable diaper for the first time.....wish me luck. I've been reading up on this practice from fellow bloggers, as well as articles on the web. I'm not going to lie....I'm a bit nervous, but I hear the blowouts aren't as frequent and the diaper rash subsides. So, I'm all paws in. Wish me luck.

Did I mention how excited I am for Bachelor Pad 2?!?!?!

HUGE NEWS

First, a HUGE congratulations to Kady Becker (and Jack and Tyson and Cooper and Tucker)! Kady learned today she is having a GIRL! I am so excited! Now, Greta will have a new chick in her clique. I hope she doesn't venture off the deep end and name her Eternity, Heaven, or Destiny. Because Kady is a classy lady, I highly doubt the name game will be an issue. Afterall, she gave Jack an amazing name.

Secondly, Bachelor Pad 2 will premiere August 8th. This is quality television.
Here are the spoilers (I just can't help myself):
http://realitysteve.com/2011/06/29/all-your-spoilers-for-bachelor-pad-2/#more-2397

If you missed the first Bachelor Pad, you totally missed out. Hop on the bandwagon. You won't be disappointed.

Consider me Miles Davis

I have something to get off my chest: I pee in my pants.....a lot. Thanks to the delivery efforts of our terrible OB/GYN during Greta's borging, I now pee my pants...a lot. While this is a condition that will hopefully go away, until then, I should now be referring to myself as Mrs. Miles Davis.

I had a visit today to the Urogynecologist (yes, she specializes in pee pee's and lady business), to confirm that I do have a peeing problem and the fact that it isn't normal. She was nice, but then again, I couldn't get over the fact that she gets to look at old lady units all day long and use words like "prolapse," and "void." Awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WCa5qOQ-DA

Also, two large women in the waiting room (as I was leaving the doctor) mentioned how cute Greta was and that she was such a big baby. Is she fat? Am I the the mom with a large child that looks as if it has a glandular issue?

Lastly, we are embarking a several day heat wave here in Indiana. My best summation of the climate this week: Hot. Wet. Fart.

Greta's Baby Blog

After some constructive feedback and moments of clear thought, I am going to start a new blog for Greta----I can recall reading blogs written by new mothers and their once funny and twisted senses of humor were now geared towards poopy diapers and coupon clipping. I need to respect this change and devote The Monforton Norton to childless folks---no one wants to hear about baby drama. SO, with that being said, my new blog will be marketed toward my mommy friends. I hope to have it ready to go by the end of the day (and after a Team USA Women's Soccer World Cup win).

P.S. Casey Anthony was released from jail today. Ironically, at that moment, I had some serious digestive troubles. Interesting. Secondly, it is SO humid outside already. I am no remembering why I prayed for snow last July.

New blog

I am considering starting another blog, a "sister blog" if you will, discussing the happenings of Greta E. Norton and other mammals that may live in our house. Tell me what you think. P.S. I am looking for some guest bloggers.

Hand Sanitizer.....Offspring style

My friend Kady (Jack's mom) texted me informing me that a 3 month baby from Bloomington was now under the care of the Riley Children's Hospital physicians after it was found severely abused by its father.

SO I'M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS ONCE, SO LISTEN: IF YOU DON'T WANT KIDS, DON'T HAVE THEM. IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD KIDS, DON'T HAVE THEM. PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

That is all.

If anyone person put their finger NEAR Greta, I'd have to kill them. The manner of death would not include duct tape and a heart sticker, but rather a dull butter knife, some bleach and a lacrosse stick.

Good God.

Hermione F. Mouse, R.I.P.

I am sad to report that Ms. Hermione F. Mouse passed on to the great kitchen in the sky with Jesus two days ago. She broke her neck licking peanut butter out of a mouse trip. Nothing gave me greater pleasure than dumping her corpse into the trash atop a blown out diaper. Hopefully her homies have gotten the message: Don't fuck with the Norton's kitchen, Beeyotch. THUG LIFE. Holler.

Walks

Today, Greta and I took our second walk as mother and daughter. I was rockin' some interesting attire------bright orange SJC teeshirt (about 4 sizes too big), Dave's soccer shorts, yellow running shoes, a black visor, and some awesome bags under my eyes. Greta, on the other hand, was sporting a beautiful pink dress. Clearly I am taking one for the team when it comes to my wardrobe. On our walk, these are things Greta pointed out to me----
1. A shoe on the side of the road. Who the hell loses a shoe on a main street?
2. A flip flop in the middle of the street. Again, who the hell loses a flip flop? ("Hey Terry, pull over! My flip flop flew out the window!)
3. Another potential meth lab. This new found meth lab will be competing for business with the lab behind our house---it will be interesting to see how business pans out....
4. Lots of blobs of chewing tobacco in the street. Apparently chewing is a big hit on the westside of Bloomington.
5. And finally, LOTS of lawn ornaments. What goes better with white decorative landscaping rocks than an angel blowing kisses over a patch of weeds?

On a brighter note, Greta spent some lovely time with her Nona (No-nah) during the last three days. She commemorated her Nona's last day here with some vomit and one blow out.

And lastly, the US Women's Soccer team kicks so much ass, it isn't even funny. These chicks make GI Jane look like a floozy---I am inspired once again to become a triathlete. Thank you, Hope Solo and Abbey Wambach. Go USA!

A new day, a new week

So, I am beginning my fifth week of motherhood. For future mommies out there, take note:

1. If you are taking fenugreek to help your milk production, beware. You will smell like maple syrup when you begin perspiring. SUPER HOT.
2. Your dog may hate you. Beans has been sleeping in the closet for the last week.
3. You begin to accept that looking good includes no makeup, no blowdry, a crap pedicure, and much needed waxed eyebrows. (Sidenote: Thanks to Monica at Spaah!, I now have groomed eyebrows---if you aren't going to wear makeup, the eyebrows can hold things down.)
4. And lastly, your house goes to hell in a handbasket. I now have a mouse problem in the kitchen because I have been too tired at night to clean up. So, Ms. Hermione F. Mouse has decided to start having raves at night. It is disgusting. I belong on hoarders. Ms. Mouse is a bitch from hell and do intend to kill her and all of her homies.

On a brighter note, my sister Jennie was here this weekend and I was able to enjoy some much needed time outside in my yard. Thanks Aunt Jennie! AND, to make things even better, my mom is here until Wednesday. WHOO HOO! I actually slept for seven straight hours last night while Nona took the night time feedings. Greta, however, was not so impressed. She let me know it this morning when she fussed for about two hours and not even Keeping Up With the Kardashians could calm her down.

Eukanuba, get ready

Greta received a magical package from one of her future suitors, Mr. Jack Dyer Becker. The contents of the package included:
2 super cute girlie outfits
a very nice card
a mystery teeshirt......I pulled the string on the pouch, and sure enough it revealed her future:

DOG SHOW JUDGE

This is a very fitting profession, considering she has two four-legged big sissies and the Monforton Norton Clan LOVES puppies.

Speaking of puppies.....
Aunty Jennie came to visit with her furry daughter, Kasia. To mark Kasia's first meeting a Greta, this is what she did:

That is right......she got out EVERY SINGLE ONE OF GRETA'S TOYS FROM HER TOY BASKET, AND REARRANGED THEM TO FORM AN INDOOR CROP CIRCLE.

Officially, 1 Month Old

Here official 1 month old yearbook snapshot, thanks to Mande Miskewycz. She awoke soon after this picture was taken with a major blowout----thankfully, we harnessed the sheer force of her bowels with her soft blanket and some serious leg elastic.

(Sidenote: I went to Wal-Fartz tonight to purchase some much needed groceries. Now I know why the Neonatologist strongly recommended NOT taking Greta in public for at least 6 weeks, specifically, Wal-Fartz.)

One for the books

So, like many of my fellow Americans, I too followed the Casey Anthony trial like crazy. And, like most Americans, I am completely outraged at the verdict. I was convinced she'd actually get some sort of punishment for killing her daughter--clearly, NO loving mother waits 31 days to report their child missing. Among the rest of her wonky-ass antics, that was the big one. I am disgraced by our justice system. Again, I am disgusted and ashamed. I know it isn't easy to serve as a juror with any trial, but the jurors on this trial take the cake.

On a brighter note, SoapNet has begun airing BH 90210 from the beginning. Good thing I'm on maternity leave to catch all the action from the BEGINNING.

Jennie is coming to visit today for some niece-piece time. That can mean one thing: I can vacuum in peace.

One month ago today....

Yes, our first major milestone: Greta is 1 Month Old! (Actually, she is 4 weeks old, which in my head constitutes a month on the planet, but when speaking of actual dates on the calendar, we are waiting for July 8th to roll around to celebrate her month long stay with us.) Whoo hoo! After a very dramatic entrance into the world, our little birdy-button is a veteran inhabitant now. This picture reflects her sometimes sassy personality---yes, she is giving me the stink eye. However, I have advised her to save this for moments when it is really necessary.